1. The Team Tenacity Project Manager Logic

Team Tenacity were a blast in the early stages of this episode. Katie Bulmer-Cooke was nominated to take control of the perfume and candle manufacturing task because she’s ‘obsessive about how things in her house smell’.

So she likes things that smell nice, which makes her ideal to sell candles. Obviously. On that basis, we like the way beer tastes, so maybe we should start a brewery...

2. Sarah Dales Is The Most Annoying Person Ever

One thing that’s been a constant throughout the Apprentice so far is that 32 year old Londoner Sarah Dales is the most irritating person to ever grace the television.

She fights over every single decision being made, usually from a preposterous position and without a leg to stand on. Her finest low moment this week? Having a breakdown in front of the public when asked to make up the candles behind the scene.

In a buys London corner she plagued us with a series of cringe-worthy shouts annoying enough to make us almost attach the television ourselves. She must go soon Lord Sugar, or we may just stop watching.

3. The Team's Fragrance Names Were Hilariously Bad

This point was just all too easy. Let’s start with ‘British Breeze’. The scent name sounds like some sort of BNP-endorsed aftershave, and just to make things worse, the majority of the ingredients for the thing weren’t even made from British products. Lemongrass, for example. Deary me.

Beach Dreams meanwhile is the sort of shit you can imagine actually being endorsed by a scantily-clad D-List celebrity on a sun-set background. It also sounds like one of those ‘my first perfume’ type things you would give to an eight year old, which actually only has water inside it and is made of plastic. Fail on both parts.

4. You Shouldn't Make Candles That Look Like Piss

“I’m not entirely convinced about the colour,” said Lindsey, a member of Team Tenacity, when their stunning new candles turned up at the door. And we can’t exactly blame her for the proclamation either.

These things were coloured in a special brand of yellow that’s normally only seen in the inside of the toilet. Urine-scented candles anyone?

5. Get Your Labels Straight Or Die Trying

When you’re attempting to sell any product to an exclusive gentleman’s lounge in London, you’re going to have to make the product pretty damn special.

We’re not exactly sure what a gentleman’s lounge is or what antics they get up to their, but they certainly look swanky as hell. When they were presented with a hand wash with a squint label on it then, they were less than impressed.

“Yes, it does appear to be squint,” replied the desperate Apprentice candidates. Because that’ll reassure the customers, right enough.

6. Apprentice Sales Must Be Really Awkward For Candidates

In a wonderfully comical reaction to a sales ‘success’, Team Summit decided to come out a small shop jumping up and down and hugging one another after selling out of candles.

Imagine how weird that must’ve been for the person who just bought their product. If that was me, I’d be wondering what the hell must be wrong with these things that this crazy lot are so happy about getting rid of them... Very professional, to say the least.

7. Even Victors Aren't Always Good At Their Jobs

Arguably the finest moment of this episode, when Team Tenacity were told that they had actually won the task, despite not selling out their products, team manager Katie couldn’t help but give out a gasp of disbelief and squeal “We Won?!”

If there was ever a surefire sign that someone has done a sub-standard job, it’s surely that they’re shocked to the point of screaming when they’re told that they’ve come out on top. Again with the professionalism.

8. Lindsey Booth Provided The Ultimate Apprentice Drama

In a moment of pure Apprentice drama, Lindsey Booth put her own head in the guillotine and effectively helped Lord Sugar up with his arm when she admitted she had been pretty damn poor in the opening weeks.

The swimming teacher (always a good stepping stone from which to go into the business world) even broke down in tears and brought the BBC to set the scene to a version of The Apprentice theme tune performed on violin. Overkill? Surely not.

9. James Hill Think He's Lord Sugar's Son

In a bid to save himself from the axe, James Hill took on a new tactic never seen before in the boardroom, an attempt to woo Lord Sugar through becoming his long-lost prodigy.

“I’m just like you Lord Sugar,” he continued to claim. “I just did exactly what you would have done in my situation.” Needless to say, big Alan got pretty tired of all this pretty quickly, yelling at the kid to shut the hell up. An entertaining effort by James, and, ultimately, a successful one... For now.

10. Nurin Ahmed Just Isn't Cut Out For It

When she reached the boardroom this time around, Nurin Ahmed simply had to go. Roisin had done a good job as PM, James was winning the heart and soul of Lord Sugar and effectively asking for adoption, and Nurin continued to beat about the bush when asked what she’s actually good at.

Whenever presented with any task, she would continually just claim that ‘this wasn’t her department’, even when dealing with clothing – despite the fact she actually does run a clothing store. We were tired of her moaning so good work Alan. Bring on next week!


                                                                                                                  Stuart Kenny

After a cracker of a first episode of The Apprentice, round two followed in swift succession and did not disappoint.

Round one gave us hot dogs, dickheads and Shoreditch-filled madness. Round two gave us an equal amount of pleasure – both from despising the contestants and laughing at their madness. Have a look below to see the 10 things that we took away from the second instalment of The Apprentice:

1. Robert Bottled It And Dug His Own Grave

When Lord Sugar tells you to be the project manager, you listen. Or you absolutely bottle it and secure your exit from the show if you're Robert Goodwin. What a tool!

His excuse? "Based on it being a high-street product, it's not the market that I'm aiming to go for," said Robert. He then said he would only be project manager if the product cost £5k and they marketed it to the horribly rich.

Oh Robert. We dislike you more and more. When Lord Sugar called you a "fast-minded Shoreditch-lover" at the start of the episode, I think he meant poncey hipster dickhead.

In the end, he got his just reward. Lord Sugar directing his harsh, fate-deciding glare and stating: "Robert I don't like people who bottle out. You're fired."

YES. That sorts that out then. Away off back to your 'Luxury £250,000 yacht in Cannes." You twat.

2. The Women's Team Lying To Get Out Of Being Manager

Robert denied his place as project manager quickly. In the women's group though, everyone seemed to rule themselves out in a matter of seconds. 

Nunun eventually took it on, but still said in the boardroom: "I actually was forced into taking this role. I just make scarves for the Asian niche market." Fair enough. Pretty specific.

Bianca was the alternative, but was scared away, basically just saying "I am right for this role but I don't want to take the flack so you can do it instead." She bottled it. Lord Sugar doesn't like that.

3. 'The Selfie Sweatshirt'. Really?

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Why on earth would you ever want something that films everywhere you go? Although saying that, most tourists do that anyway these days...

Mark Wright nailed it on the head when he hit the post-loss coffee shop: "We got it wrong from the start. We had a jumper with a camera in it." That certainly was the main problem.

When light leggings are said to be a better idea than whatever the hell you've come up with, you've got to think twice about the idea. And take a long look in the mirror for that matter.

4. The Most Complicated Design Of All Time

Solving the British weather, charging your phone and lighting you up to stand out from the crowd? This sounds like a novelty Christmas tree, not a jumper

"Why didn't you just stick to the charging function?" ask Firebox. Even that would've been slightly ridiculous. Why the hell they ordered 250 of the things we'll never know.

5. Scott McCulloch Going Angry Scotsman

Scott was fired now, and rumour has it Lord Sugar has had various bodyguards ever since. Because Scott was probably the angriest man in the world.

When his teammates turned on him, he turned on them. Big style. "Can't yous work as a team? Do yous need to be managed?! Do yous need to have your hand held by a project manager?", he screamed.

He looked like he was about to nut any one of his teammates at any given time. This guy definitely has been through a few punch ups, and Lord Sugar was a braver man than us when he fired him. We think we would've just let him win so we could keep our lives.

Oh, and he said "I put my balls on the line" a bit too much for our liking. We were scared.

6. Sales Talk. We Love Sales Talk

Sales talk is magnificent and we're so glad that it's back in our life. Scott was first at it, saying "I'm a selling machine" in his strangely aggressive tone that made us wonder if he was joking or he was actually a machine.

Robert meanwhile chipped in with this gem - "Our motto is - privacy is history." A strong argument in this privacy-centred modern day. Oh dear Rob.

7. The Worst Sales Line Of All Time

Daniel meanwhile chipped in with - by far - the worst sales pitch of all time. We was pitching a jumper and he literally said: "I personally wouldn't wear the product in a public place. You wouldn't go out and about in it."

He then continued to agree with criticisms that the product looked a bit Christmassy, it attracted too much attention to the chest area and that it was pretty much shit all-round.

When asked about his efforts later, he said: "The Pitch Went Absolutely Outstanding." Was he high?! Personally, the JFC crew have no idea how this guy is still in the competition.

8. The Cringeworthy Pitch From Nunun

Project manager Nunun was selling the girl's awful solar-panel top. Not only did she call a jacket a 'jock', she was ridiculously slow and stumbled in her pitch. At one point she stopped and said 'oh dear'. Not what you want to here when you're considering buying a product.

9. No Orders. No Orders. No Orders.

This was as awkward a moment as a boardroom gets. These people are meant to be some of the best business men and women in Britain, and only one department store out of six placed an order between both of them put together.

Would you have worn either of those products to be fair? I'd be surprised to see one going for a quid in a charity shop. That'd mean that someone would've had to buy and donate it first.

10. Karen Turning On The Scare

Karen Brady showed that she's got a fierce bite behind her clever wit in the latest boardroom clash.

When Scott was deciding who to bring back, she roared: "If you spent less time covering your own arse and actually thought about the task then at some point you might get some names for Lord Sugar."

We shuddered, and even the great aggressor that is Scott had a small flinch. Be wary all.

                                                                                                                      Stuart Kenny

1. Daniel Is Quite A Dickhead

You would think that our first point on the new Apprentice would be about the new numbers involved, or a comment about the excitement involved in the return of Lord Sugar.

That probably would've been the case had Daniel Lassman not proclaimed after 10 seconds: “I
make women do what I want in the business world, and come to think of it – most men too.” 

What a tool! He went on to say “There’s no I in team, but there is two in brilliance.” There's also one 'I' in 'dickhead' Daniel - and it's probably you.

2. The New Format Should Make Things Exciting

So back on to the probably new stuff! There’s a new format, with 10 men and 10 women now involved and multiple firings expected to occur at any given moment in time. 

We, for one, are particularly excited about this. There's nothing worse than when some moronic sales fail gets off the hook because he or she is next to someone worse. Get rid of the lot of them and let us watch with popcorn!

3. Steven Is Annoying But He's Comedy Gold

Steven Ugoalah, pictured below, is one of the strangest candidates to turn up on The Apprentice. Everything he says sounds sarcastic - I think it's the accent - but no matter what garbage he speaks, his face remains completely unchanged.

A prime example was when he was trying to sell potatoes and proclaimed: “These potatoes glow in the shining sun, and when your customers eat them it won’t be a potato, it will be an experience.”

We're pretty sure it'll still be a potato Steve.

It was also comical when Alan Sugar made a joke about him counselling penguins in the Arctic. Come on Alan. Penguins don't live in the Arctic. 

4. Decadence Was The Worst Team Name Ever

The dictionary - or Google at least - describes Decadence as "moral or cultural decline as characterized by excessive indulgence in pleasure or luxury."

So this team is planning to get so into the rich lifestyle that they completely fail to do their
jobs. Or so the name would suggest at least. Luckily Nick picked up on the connotations of this - which include failure, decline, general douchebaggery - and got them to change it for next week.

“I’m not 100 percent sure on the definition,” was the defence of the girls. We presume they'll come up with something equally as hilarious for the next episode.

5. Scott McCulloch Is A Bit Of A Tool

“I see myself as a mix between Ghandi and the Wolf of Wall Stree,” write Scott on his CV. "You’re more like the 'Poodle of Petticoat Lane'," replies Lord Sugar, in what is surely the quote of episode one.

If he comes up with that mix of Ghandi & Leo Di Caprio's main man - which we can only imagine which be some kind of peaceful business man who takes cocaine but also starves himself - then we can't wait to hear what else is in the head of Mr. McCulloch.

6. Felipe May Be Foolish But He's A Likeable Guy

Felipe Alviar-Baquero speaks in third person. Felipe describes Felipe by saying: “Felipe is a dreamer who believes anything is possible.” 

Felipe gets quite annoying, but he's a soft soul at heart and he's hard to dislike. We hope he stays around for a while because apart from the third person nonsense, he seems like he's genuinely not a dickhead. Something rare for The Apprentice.

7.  Women's Project Manager Sarah Was Such A Tool

Women project manager Sarah Dales is an absolute moron. She refuses to make coffee and she still engages in the sexist beliefs of 1920s business. How did she make it on to this show? 

"People buy more from women because women are attractive,” she says. To be fair, it may be true from time to time but telling the girls to get their short skirts and heels out seems a bit off the mark. 

Also, trying to sell a few gloves and buckets to a zoo for £250? Give us a break! When she checked the inside of the gloves to see if they were environmentally friendly, it was the most cringeworthy moment of the episode.

8. Robert Is So Shoreditch, And We Really Don't Like Him

Shoreditch is the most hipster place on the planet – organic food and selling outside food markets, and Robert Goodwin looks like just the kind of dick that thrives on all of that.

"We went to Shoreditch, which is very edgy and we needed an edgy product. These hot dogs were very Shoreditch."

That sentence is everything that is wrong with the world, and London in particular. We can't wait to see your shit haircut and white blazer with blue trim fired Robert, then you can get back to Shoreditch to eat more unnecessarily organic food, overpriced beer that is no better than your average lager and pop up malls that sell street market tops for double the price.

9. The Majority Of Them Are Bell-Ends

Irish contender Roisin Hogan confirmed this when she said: “I don’t mean to get the boot in but...” and then proceeded to stick the boot into project manager Sarah so far that it came out her mouth.

This is a short point, but we'd just like to express our confirmation that we have nothing against all the candidates being dicks. It's The Apprentice way.

10. You Can't Come Up With A Decent T-Shirt Design In 30 Seconds

Finally, a moment of comedy gold from the boy's campaign. You can’t come up with a decent t-shirt design in 30 seconds, despite what the now-fired Chiles believed. 

“Let’s make this decision in 30 seconds then go with it,” he said. They all like to sound decisive, but it doesn't look like any of them will be getting into the creative market any time soon... A t-shirt that says 'by this t-shirt'? Awful.

Thankfully, even though it wasn't the design, it was the t-shirts that got him fired in the end.

                                                                                                                              Stuart Kenny

There was something rather fitting about the fact that the latest Doctor Who episode – “Mummy On The Orient Express“ – was based on the similarly named novel by Agatha Christie.

The novel is a classic, and this particular episode stuck to a classic formula as well. Much like the Hercule Poirot story, the Doctor was faced with a seemingly straight forward murder mystery that turned out to have far more levels than initially seemed.

We’re not actually talking about the 'Foretold' mummy that leaves you with sixty six seconds to live, either.

No, what we’re talking about is the dark tones of the Doctor that come out in this episode, continuing the uncomfortable feeling around the protagonist’s morality under Peter Capaldi.

The grandeur of the actual space-train, ‘The Orient Express’, was captured perfectly by the Whovian production team, with wonderful costuming and a great swing cover of Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ from chart star Foxes. The light comedy and gags were also on offer throughout to maintain the balance of severity and light-heartedness that defines Doctor Who.

The principles and decision making from the Doctor, however, were not nearly so convincing.

Faced with the choice of saving individuals or attempting to stop the Foretold from killing more, the character seemed completely unfazed at sacrificing innocent lives in order to ultimately stop the monster – and he only seemed to want to stop the mummy for the thrill of the chase rather than any caring touch.

Indeed, the Doctor doesn't hide his lack of interest in humanity that has been shining throughthis season. At the climax of the episode – spoiler alert – he tells Clara that he managed to teleport every remaining person on the train back to safety before the train exploded, but she was awake for none of the saving action.

When Clara asks about the others, the Doctor jokes that he left those remaining on the train to die and transported only her back to safety. It seems this may not have been a joke after all, with the decision to not show the escape inviting on questions.

The storyline was a clever one in order to bring out the worst in the Doctor whilst keeping the audience on side. He had a time limit in which to save a majority and sacrificed a minority to do so. It would almost seem reasonable had he not been so callous about it. But it has certainly left us keen to see more.

In amongst these underlying messages lie further concerns about Clara as well. She was supposed to leave at the end of the episode after an emotional climax in the previous segment, but rather she remains glued to the Doctor’s side in an unsurprising and possibly foreshadowing move.

The primary school teacher senses the Doctor is not a truthful man, but she too seems addicted to the thrill of his lifestyle and destined to fall to an unhappy demise – think ‘this was my last day on the job’ type of shit. Once the mysterious sidekick, Clara is now the time-junkie who almost got away with it, but it seems unlikely that she will now be allowed to leave in one piece.

There was no sign of Missy meanwhile, but the riddle of Gus, the unknown controller of the Foretold experiment, is undoubtedly linked to her, and the link between the demise of the Foretold – openly branded ‘a soldier’ by the Doctor – and a certain Mr. Pink seems hard to ignore as well. 

Perhaps Pink will unravel to the point of disappearance as well, and if he does, it's easy to imagine that he'll take Clara with him. If he's allowed.

Lots of questions then and lots of interesting plot points to make sure we keep an eye on. A good episode that ticked all the usual boxes and left the audience even more confused about the nature of the Doctor under Peter Capaldi... Quirky but heartless. Friendly but ruthless.

Oh, and there was a terrible performance from Frank Skinner in there too. Seriously, it was like his character’s role was written for a ten year old, and when no under-ager would take it they were forced to give it to him.

But don’t let that most cringe worthy of performances dampen an otherwise decent show.

                                                                                                                                         Stuart Kenny