You would think that our first point on the new Apprentice would be about the new numbers involved, or a comment about the excitement involved in the return of Lord Sugar.
That probably would've been the case had Daniel Lassman not proclaimed after 10 seconds: “I
make women do what I want in the business world, and come to think of it – most men too.”
What a tool! He went on to say “There’s no I in team, but there is two in brilliance.” There's also one 'I' in 'dickhead' Daniel - and it's probably you.
2. The New Format Should Make Things Exciting
So back on to the probably new stuff! There’s a new format, with 10 men and 10 women now involved and multiple firings expected to occur at any given moment in time.
We, for one, are particularly excited about this. There's nothing worse than when some moronic sales fail gets off the hook because he or she is next to someone worse. Get rid of the lot of them and let us watch with popcorn!
3. Steven Is Annoying But He's Comedy Gold
Steven Ugoalah, pictured below, is one of the strangest candidates to turn up on The Apprentice. Everything he says sounds sarcastic - I think it's the accent - but no matter what garbage he speaks, his face remains completely unchanged.
A prime example was when he was trying to sell potatoes and proclaimed: “These potatoes glow in the shining sun, and when your customers eat them it won’t be a potato, it will be an experience.”
We're pretty sure it'll still be a potato Steve.
It was also comical when Alan Sugar made a joke about him counselling penguins in the Arctic. Come on Alan. Penguins don't live in the Arctic.
The dictionary - or Google at least - describes Decadence as "moral or cultural decline as characterized by excessive indulgence in pleasure or luxury."
So this team is planning to get so into the rich lifestyle that they completely fail to do their
jobs. Or so the name would suggest at least. Luckily Nick picked up on the connotations of this - which include failure, decline, general douchebaggery - and got them to change it for next week.
“I’m not 100 percent sure on the definition,” was the defence of the girls. We presume they'll come up with something equally as hilarious for the next episode.
5. Scott McCulloch Is A Bit Of A Tool
“I see myself as a mix between Ghandi and the Wolf of Wall Stree,” write Scott on his CV. "You’re more like the 'Poodle of Petticoat Lane'," replies Lord Sugar, in what is surely the quote of episode one.
If he comes up with that mix of Ghandi & Leo Di Caprio's main man - which we can only imagine which be some kind of peaceful business man who takes cocaine but also starves himself - then we can't wait to hear what else is in the head of Mr. McCulloch.
6. Felipe May Be Foolish But He's A Likeable Guy
Felipe Alviar-Baquero speaks in third person. Felipe describes Felipe by saying: “Felipe is a dreamer who believes anything is possible.”
Felipe gets quite annoying, but he's a soft soul at heart and he's hard to dislike. We hope he stays around for a while because apart from the third person nonsense, he seems like he's genuinely not a dickhead. Something rare for The Apprentice.
7. Women's Project Manager Sarah Was Such A Tool
Women project manager Sarah Dales is an absolute moron. She refuses to make coffee and she still engages in the sexist beliefs of 1920s business. How did she make it on to this show?
"People buy more from women because women are attractive,” she says. To be fair, it may be true from time to time but telling the girls to get their short skirts and heels out seems a bit off the mark.
Also, trying to sell a few gloves and buckets to a zoo for £250? Give us a break! When she checked the inside of the gloves to see if they were environmentally friendly, it was the most cringeworthy moment of the episode.
We can't wait to see Robert's shit haircut and white blazer with blue trim fired back to Shoreditch. Then it'll be back to the overpriced pop up malls and overly hipster beers he so desperately craves all day...
Shoreditch is the most hipster place on the planet – organic food and selling outside food markets, and Robert Goodwin looks like just the kind of dick that thrives on all of that.
"We went to Shoreditch, which is very edgy and we needed an edgy product. These hot dogs were very Shoreditch."
That sentence is everything that is wrong with the world, and London in particular. We can't wait to see your shit haircut and white blazer with blue trim fired Robert, then you can get back to Shoreditch to eat more unnecessarily organic food, overpriced beer that is no better than your average lager and pop up malls that sell street market tops for double the price.
9. The Majority Of Them Are Bell-Ends
Irish contender Roisin Hogan confirmed this when she said: “I don’t mean to get the boot in but...” and then proceeded to stick the boot into project manager Sarah so far that it came out her mouth.
This is a short point, but we'd just like to express our confirmation that we have nothing against all the candidates being dicks. It's The Apprentice way.
10. You Can't Come Up With A Decent T-Shirt Design In 30 Seconds
Finally, a moment of comedy gold from the boy's campaign. You can’t come up with a decent t-shirt design in 30 seconds, despite what the now-fired Chiles believed.
“Let’s make this decision in 30 seconds then go with it,” he said. They all like to sound decisive, but it doesn't look like any of them will be getting into the creative market any time soon... A t-shirt that says 'by this t-shirt'? Awful.
Thankfully, even though it wasn't the design, it was the t-shirts that got him fired in the end.